So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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