my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
