girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
