I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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