So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
