I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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