i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
