I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
