I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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