Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
