I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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