in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
