is your mom at the bar?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
