It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
