this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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