There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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