Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
