i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
