I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
