I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
