Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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