Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
