He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
