I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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