We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
