I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Randomize
