My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
