True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
