12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
