Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
