Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
