cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
