My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
