so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
