alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
