Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
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