i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
