Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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