Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
