Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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