Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
