I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
