You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
