Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
