I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
