there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
