My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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