he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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