census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
