o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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