Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
