Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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