Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize