I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
