i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
