i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
