Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
